Today is kind of like Groundhog day for me ,waking up and remembering that I am alone without him and then going through the motions. The truth is that while somehow I have been able to stay the course and keep the farm going through all that has transpired after his death, I still feel like a failure in many ways. I am in therapy and I love and trust my therapist but we are only now getting to the deep grief and loss I feel. It will spill out every once in a while and it still overwhelms and scares me. This year I set out to begin to build my personal life again and I am doing really good and feeling much better but there are still the heavy sad and even angry feelings living under the surface, always giving me the opportunity to grow and learn more.
This work has shown me that I am not alone and that the spirit that lives in the horses can help carry you through anything if you stay open and honest with yourself. I am proud of this work and mission and what happened to Paul is a part of its story as much as any in the long eight years we have been open. I have learned that I prefer to live and roam in the field of possibilities and potential alongside the horses that have carried me so graciously throughout my whole life.
I am so grateful for the many that weathered the storms of emotion that overcame me and swept me away, sometimes for moments and sometimes for days. I am living and learning and I am so proud of so many and so much but today, this anniversary, I am sad all over again.
My own groundhog day…at least I do not have to relive that terrible and awful morning when I learned that my whole world was shattered in a million pieces or more. I am carefully picking up the pieces that serve me and leaving the rest alone, I am doing the very best I can, every moment of every day and that is what I offer my friends that are alongside me. I have great hopes for us all and most especially what lives on this farm, the powerful spirit of love and connection that will always endure, no matter what.
I seem to always feel as though I am standing at a crossroads. A place where a choice has to be made. To be or not to be. To live or not to live. To speak up, stand up for something or to look the other way. Yet everywhere I look everyone seems to be doing some version of the same. Chief Arvol Looking Horse has been saying for over 20yrs that we are at a crossroads, where and when choices that will either honor or dishonor our ancestors, have to be made in order for natural balance to come back to the planet and into our hearts.
We are a part of a oneness, whether our left brains permit the acknowledgement of that or not. We are a part of an electromagnetic field of energy that responds accordingly, records accordingly and holds us bound to one another. There is no lying or stealing or cheating the universe, nature, our mother earth. We are all living under the same natural law that governs all of life. What happens here, happens there. What happens inside, happens outside. There is no escaping it or hiding from it or covering your eyes like a child in hopes that you will not be seen or counted according to your own sense of self worth.
Today, or these days I should say, my decisions are in the flow of the moment to moment that is this farm, this fluid living enterprise made up of noble equine residents that are cared for and their human helpers that stand by them no matter what.
The life on this farm is not for everyone but interestingly it is perfectly suited for seekers, outcasts, veterans, the marginalized, students and grandparents. Every professional occupation is counted for. The Blue Star herd has nurses, doctors, martial artists, opera singers, actors, horse men and women of all kinds of skill and talent from all over the world. On the farm working full time I am the only one over 50, most are 30 and under. They are on fire with passion about their possibilities as future horse powered farmers or loggers or in self invented and run commercial enterprises. They love the idea of having a horse as a partner to change the world with?
In every creation story around the world, in all the languages, including in the Amazon where horses are not easily found…the horses are the ones that show up to help us make the critical choices to improve life on earth for the sake of who we are, where we come from and where we can potentially go.
Old horses, young horses, skilled or disabled horses all have the same special “energy” that science is understanding and sharing more and more of. A powerful electromagnetic biorhythmic pulse 10x more powerful than our own. In their presence we come to our senses, regulate and calibrate to them bio- rythmically , our cortisol levels drop and we release endorphins of the most exquisite kind, we feel alive and well and excited in their presence. Even fear of them can reveal a need to attune more to nature, calm down and remember you are not alone and you are seen, witnessed and accepted. Horses also have the extraordinary ability to activate the “right brain”, our receptivity, imagination, visions and dreams. Horses help us feel bigger and better that we thought possible for ourselves. Maybe that is why so much has happened to culture, civilization , industry and development with their help.
Maybe their work in this time of the “crossroads” is to remind us that we are more than we thought we are with mighty and far reaching opportunities to help make the world a better place for all mankind and the creatures that live with us.
We are particularly feeling the extreme pressure of establishing and securing our farm financially and the very fastest and easiest way to do it is by inviting others to help with any amount they can, month to month, showing up for the horses in need in our community. In return we open our farm for their community to come to know and love them, celebrate and heal with them, include and love them. I know in our tiny town of Palmer countless miracles have already happened here, thanks to the horses and their quiet and powerful work of healing our broken hearts, over and over and over again.
Help us help keep them with us, please Join the Herd. Now, this giving season and help us reach our 2000 member goal by the New Year, we can do it, we have proven what we are worth , come and see for yourself anytime and any day, you will always be welcome to stick your face in a big, soft, furry neck and take a big breath and remember who you are, connected to all of nature and each other and let the rest happen naturally.