Today is kind of like Groundhog day for me ,waking up and remembering that I am alone without him and then going through the motions. The truth is that while somehow I have been able to stay the course and keep the farm going through all that has transpired after his death, I still feel like a failure in many ways. I am in therapy and I love and trust my therapist but we are only now getting to the deep grief and loss I feel. It will spill out every once in a while and it still overwhelms and scares me. This year I set out to begin to build my personal life again and I am doing really good and feeling much better but there are still the heavy sad and even angry feelings living under the surface, always giving me the opportunity to grow and learn more.
This work has shown me that I am not alone and that the spirit that lives in the horses can help carry you through anything if you stay open and honest with yourself. I am proud of this work and mission and what happened to Paul is a part of its story as much as any in the long eight years we have been open. I have learned that I prefer to live and roam in the field of possibilities and potential alongside the horses that have carried me so graciously throughout my whole life.
I am so grateful for the many that weathered the storms of emotion that overcame me and swept me away, sometimes for moments and sometimes for days. I am living and learning and I am so proud of so many and so much but today, this anniversary, I am sad all over again.
My own groundhog day…at least I do not have to relive that terrible and awful morning when I learned that my whole world was shattered in a million pieces or more. I am carefully picking up the pieces that serve me and leaving the rest alone, I am doing the very best I can, every moment of every day and that is what I offer my friends that are alongside me. I have great hopes for us all and most especially what lives on this farm, the powerful spirit of love and connection that will always endure, no matter what.
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